How 'bout this from California?
Dear Red States,
We’re ticked off at the way you’ve treated California, and we’ve decided
we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the
other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii,
Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the
Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and
especially to the people of the new country of Nueva California.
To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.
We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get
Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the revenue, you get to make the red states pay their
fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian
Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single
moms.
Please be aware that Nueva California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and
we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need
people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently
willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you
don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you
success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to
spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the
country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines
(you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90
percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all
living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools,
plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92
percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90
percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually
100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University,
Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless
we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that
evolution is only a theory, 53 percent think Saddam was involved in 9/11 and
61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals
than we lefties.
By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico.
Sincerely,
Author Unknown in Nueva California.
P.S. You also get Mt. Rushmore, the Shrine to Oligarchy. You can execute flag burners there.
